Late night musings one of twenty eighteen.

So, let me tell you a story. I’m pretty sure I’m still in love with a friend from ten years ago. Tragic huh? It’s actually borderline pathetic. Nope, it’s official. It’s pathetic, gut wrenching, kick to the neck, pathetic… 

I know, i know… I’ve said so ..many times. I’ve told myself to move on too many times that i think the word itself has lost its value and meaning… At least to me. So why i am writing this? I really dont know. Somewhere out there, someone is having this same situation as me maybe even worse and i just want to let her,him, them know that you are not alone. I’ve lived with this pain for more than a decade yet I’m still alive. I still aim to wake up tomorrow and breathe. And even though there’s a lull in that department of my life, there are still other things in my life that are worth living for. A lot of things have given me happiness. So, you out there…hang on ok… 🙂 i know I’ll love this guy for the rest of my life. I may or may not find someone else to love more than him. I may be forever alone. But is  that so bad? For me, not really.. There may be   nights like these and i know, i know it sucks.. But i also know that…i just have to keep breathing.. Just because of the sole reason that i am worth it. I owe it to myself to keep living. To keep fighting. To keep loving. And so are you. Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT!


A not so perfect scheme

Then again i broke my promise

I write, i cry, i reminisce

Must’ve felt good for you,eh?

Playing me day by day
Oh yes i knew but i kept my eyes closed

Like drugged, i was dosed

Oh dear, I kept my mouth shut

You were murmuring of things that were not
I knew, i knew, oh silly girl was i

I hoped and hoped on a lie

Of the things you said, which were true?

Because I really haven’t got a clue
But i stayed and kept still

I tried to lie and denied what I feel

I stood idly by from far away

Hoping this time, you look my way
Oh boy what a mess this has been

I tried to have played this little scheme

Seems like  i never had the ball

It just wasn’t perfect after all

P.S. if you read this, that means you’re still stalking me. Why do you even? 


Having been imprisoned on the confines of my bedroom is no easy feat. And yes im exaggerating. Lol. I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather these past few days, almost a week now. I hate when i have these asthma attacks. It’s irritating, it’s a hassle, it’s pricey, and pretty much it’s just boring. Yep, because doing nothing on an airconditioned room just laying around sounds so bad. *insert sarcastic face here. Haha it’s actually quite appealing at first to be honest. Who doesn’t want that? But the more i sit here, on my bed, the more i have time to think. And the more i think, the more it dawns on me that i have limitations and i am vulnerable. Not to sound overly dramatic, but i am overly dramatic, i feel trapped. And being vulnerable and trapped to an illness i doubt would magically disappear is frightening. Believe me when i say i have had my fair share of scary moments. The almost life and death moments. The “i could’ve died -life flashing right through my eyes” ones. I still shudder through the memories but sitting here is torment. Because it’s slow, i see it slowly passing right in front of me, my life. You see, even though my attacks come only a few within a year, these few moments take up a week or two and i can’t help but be discouraged sometimes. It’s a week or two of doing nothing but taking meds, lying in bed, pumping nebules of salbutamol through my manky lungs. And it’s not an attractive one. Fits of cough, runny nose – overall it’s weakening. At twenty seven, turning twenty eight not too long from now, i have come to terms with it. So, why am i saying this? Why am i blogging this? Because I can. 🙂 I CAN. two words so easy to say but sometimes is a bit of a struggle to materialise 🙂 Hahaha hence, im still struggling. Struggling to cope, to accept, to move forward, and to still be grateful. But i know i truly can. And someday soon, ill be back, rambling on again about how i did it. How ill push through this and i’ll totally be smug about it.

What ifs and First Loves

“’What’ and ‘if‘ are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.” 


I have been taunted by this menacing words from time to time. It might be about the risks I did not take, the decisions I did not make, or the steps I took, and more often than not, it’s about love.


What if?


I mean, really. Have you ever been haunted?  So, you might wonder what this is all about, or why I’m writing this. A friend told me something that kept me unsettled at this very hour of the night. And YASS… I’m writing about it because I have to say something to get through it.


Let me tell you something about someone who loved me and yet I chose to break his heart. (Oh get over yourself, Self! Lol) But kidding aside, he told me I did; he told my friends I did, and pretty much everyone we know. I did not take this against him, and will not take it against him in the near future because one can cope however he chooses. He was hurt.


This boy told me how he loved me. He showed me how he cared. He wrote me letters about it and wrote poems to make me happy. Most especially, he made me feel I was special – like I was worthy of being loved.  I know these stuffs. Yet, it felt good when it was affirmed.


But then I still chose to follow my young and foolish heart. Thing is, when you love, the actual probability of getting hurt is bigger than many of us expected. Our heart gets vulnerable and so open it is sometimes frightening how a single person can bring you so much pain. And… I chose to give him pain. And I am terribly sorry for that. Over and over I’ll tell him how sorry I am. Just for the simple reason that I hurt him.


Don’t get me wrong. There is no getting back together. We have our own lives now.  ^_^


I just wanted to show how much I appreciated every little thing he did, and for the way he made me feel.

I cannot say what it will be or what will happen if I chose the other way around.  Maybe, some what ifs just don’t happen, or maybe it was just not meant to be. And I guess it’s true; people come and go for a reason, either he’s a blessing or a lesson. And I have been blessed to have met him ^_^



P.S: Thank you! ^_^ and to be your first love, as how you say it, IS AN HONOR.  You will always be special to me, and I will always care and pray for you and your family. May God bless you more for you have a very wonderful heart ❤











My room gets colder as the night starts to settle in
Just like how my heart has recently been
Almost. I almost took the bait flinging on my face
Almost. I almost took a bite on such a haste.

I cannot pride myself for being smart when it’s this
Because maybe, just maybe im desperate for bliss
But the thing is, when you pray, God opens up your eyes
He lets you see how vast and wonderful are the skies

So almost… I almost believed it could be this time
When almost, you almost ruined this heart of mine.
This will be the last ill write about you.
Because…yes, almost. I’m almost over you 🙂